broader strokes to baby steps

Yesterday I, in effect, taught my first lecture. Without the notes that I had forgotten at home, confirming my suspicions that maybe I am a pressure performer. My supervisor was standing beside me as I wandered through the important points admittedly lacking the eloquence I had always pictured myself having. But, I taught a room of fifty-plus students something that I didn't know I knew and survived.

Later, my boyfriend and I went to see the progeny of a very famous activist speak only to leave before it concluded because it was lacking in both polish and content. The room was full, the speech was not.

[Things that have changed]

Since I have been home (back?) I have given myself full permission to say no to unnecessary time commitments, and to remove "I have to..." from describing my day. Although this has probably meant I might be a little less productive I think it's actually balancing out. This is my challenge to our status quo.

I lived my life for two months completely dependent on the natural rhythms of the climate and day dictating my life. Awake by the sun and warmth, able to run errands depending on storms and wind, coping with limited space and power. Relinquishing control is when it came back. Humans, like all animals, do not function in artificial fifteen minute increments or hourly blocks of time. I now know that my attention span in full capacity is about an hour, that stretching regularly keeps my body healthy and that paying attention to internal-external is a better dictate of my day than a planner.

I have also found a middle ground of grooming. In an average day, I no longer wear anything on my face except moisturizer. At the same time, I've acknowledged that I do appreciate certain aspects of fashion so I haven't necessarily stopped putting myself together. Under no circumstances do I spend any time 'doing' my hair other than running my fingers through it when I wash it, unless I am going to something formal. I have also banned women's magazines, beyond second hand copies of Vogue and surf rags, because I think they create stupid projects to take up your time that most women could figure out how to do anyways.

I learned the most about sex appeal from this woman who attracted everything in her slipstream. It was not really her body, and her skin and hair was imperfect, but a confident control radiated from her, ownership of her sexuality. So few people own their sexuality that the attraction to hers was inevitable. I learned the most about beauty from looking at French women (both in France and in Canada), who eschew trends in favor of personal style, and anxious grooming in favor of caring for themselves. French girls do not spend all of their time concealing perceived flaws, but rather embracing what is beautiful about themselves; I proposed this theory to my bi-cultural friend and he remarked that his (French) sister had been raised being told her curvy body was beautiful rather than by someone who taught her how to hide what might not have been beautiful.

So this collection of ideas has pretty much changed how I view my image and how I treat myself. Which may not be that interesting to read about, but is what I am thinking about today.