daisy goodwill

I feel myself getting ready to move on, again. Last night, cleaning house, surveying what would come and how it might look in a new imaginary space. A small box of books. A small box of things not books. Three suitcases. Pared down, selected, strangely defining. If the m.o. of getting rid of stuff is to have less attachment to material things, potentially allowing for more attatchment to immaterial things, why does what remains take on more weight than the pile it was carved out from?

This is a beautiful speech.

And that is why I am here. I chose to come here rather than stay away. I chose to see for myself rather than not to see. I chose to speak to you rather than to say nothing.

-Haruki Murakami

I miss R, who's westcoasting right now then heading East. This year, we will spend about three months total in the same city.

Being apart a lot is challenging but in some ways ideal at this age. When I write this paragraph, it's more as a female, probably underpinned by overdosing on third wave lit as a teenager. I'm sure people disagree, fair enough, I may disagree myself in a few years.

It's a lot harder to build a room of one's own, a life of one's own, when you pair up early. It seems to be different for most men because they aren't asked for the same things. It's being asked to choose so early. Will you give up your name? Career that you haven't even really established yet? How about your opposite-sex friendships? Give it a decade and the choices are much easier because the options are fully explored.

This is going to be a bit harsh but the majority of women I know who married twenty-five and under don't have the same kind of friendships. They seem lonely. They'll never travel the world or do the second degree (in most cases, where I grew up, even the first), unless they go through a painful divorce. They can't develop the kind of deep friendships with men that give tremendous insight into the relationship you have with someone you will love without endangering fidelity. Many have never had the opportunity to be alone, really alone, and to come to peace with that status. In sum, they're cut off from everything I consider to be identity-defining in my own life.

I know everyone doesn't want these things and I know many people will lead wonderful lives without any of them. But I can't, I want them all. No midlife revelations or backtracking, and if possible no regrets.