you don't know how lovely you are

I think last night I broke up with R. It's really funny that for someone who does most of the breaking up, it almost always catches me off guard. The moment where possible forever comes into abrupt collision with something immovable. There was an argument and I hit this point where, suddenly, I just didn't want to do it anymore and the words came out. It wasn't rash or angry, it was exhausted.

I don't know how I feel about it. I really am in love with him. I'm not ready to leave, but I don't know how to stay. Of everything that's ended, this feels different because I'm not sure if it's right, if the game was called for rain before the clouds had gathered. But this moment of foresight struck that we were developing a pattern that would destroy things so completely that both of us would look back with embarrassment and regret instead of just sadness.

I guess, before everyone weighs in on who was good/bad, that I'm not sure it's over it might just be over right now.

This morning he asked if I wanted pancakes. I said I wasn't hungry. He said he wasn't either and as I got out of his car he started to cry.