Hi, I'm Every Facebook Profile Ever

My job is incredibly slow at this moment in time. I could be productive. Or not.

My best friend and I usually describe ourselves as the antithesis of this. Interestingly, our gay best friend's boyfriend totally ragged on us for not liking sticks in jars, making a comment about how we just didn't understand urban decorating because we're from CityX. Later, our friend admitted he'd been trying to get rid of the sticks in jars for awhile, he just didn't know where to hide the bodies.

Because I'm a jerk, I think an apt follow up would be the facebook profile version: (this is real)

FAVORITE MUSIC: Sublime, Bob Marley, Beatles, Rolling Stones, Modest Mouse, Beck, Weezer, Moby, Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay, Radiohead, Elton John, Fleetwood Mac, Beastie Boys, Blind Melon, RHCP, Dave Matthews, Norah Jones, U2, City and Colour, Tool, The White Stripes, The Doors

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Arrested Development, Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, The Office, Family Guy, The Simpsons, the Flight of the Conchords, Lost, Southpark

FAVORITE MOVIES: Fight Club, Old School, Trainspotting, Scarface, Finding Nemo, E.T., Dirty Dancing, The Goonies

FAVORITE BOOKS: Da Vinci Code, John Grisham, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

ABOUT ME: Here is a list of things I like. Wine, writing, reading, dancing, coffee, music, playing guitar,a really good steak, dance parties, cats, sushi, chocolate, having my hair brushed, pretty toes, shopping, cheap movie nights, dim sum, cheese, my cell phone, text messaging, facebook, sunsets, martinis, music, cuddling, singing in the shower, dressing up, photos of friends and crazy nights, and buying people gifts.

Cry.

What is more revealing is how I'm about to make this about me. First, I'm a book snob. I am impressed when people list writers I like and judge people who read John Grisham. Second, I'm a music snob who believes you should pick your top three classic/standard bands and then sprinkle in your favorite obscure band of the year along with about five respectable bands you would currently pay to see in concert or have recently purchased albums of. Third, why don't you just write "Insert GENERIC" in the About Me section? Which, incidentally, I might do right now. Listing those TV shows is like listing you love not suffering from dehydration, or you enjoy days without UTIs.

I really like people who know how to pick a good quote. Something timeless, not too obscure but not completely available, that conveys something about their sense of humor. If not that, at least something that doesn't give the ball away yet is unpretentious.

I realize that judging middle America is something White People Like, but when I read a profile like this... I wish someone would invent NotLameBook where I only have to be friends with and get updates from people who have profiles with some semblance of a personality that couldn't be selected via mass polling.