the full circle

I'm drunk, post drinks, with a friend I ran into, on his way (literally) around the world (a few weeks left before he hits the last ocean) on a motorbike. How one runs in to such people, this is life.

Three years ago around this time, I met C. I still have a picture of the first day we met, we're sitting at a table having beer. I remember the first time I saw him. We walked in a sat down and he looked up upon hearing our conversation. Blond curls and a staccato laugh, a sudden introduction to social spheres I'd known about but never been part of. He fell first, asking around, placing himself in my assignment group, giving out endearing nicknames. Showing up at parties he'd rather not be at and fending off everyone else who tried to talk to me. At the time I had never felt less attractive in my life, but he fell in love with my obscure hip hop collection and caustic humor. His long distance girlfriend hated me; our friends assured they would break up.

The beautiful girl in our class pursued him, he ignored it. I was out for drinks with her tonight, she's dating my world traveling friend these days. She tried to kiss C. that fall, he bolted. I envied her, everything about her, from her body to her long dark hair to her big dark eyes. Our friends assured me she had no chance. In the end, she didn't, I never understood why.

One night we ended up at his house, sitting on the couch after the bar drinking a bottle of red wine and watching a nature documentary. I couldn't. I fell asleep, or pretended to, on the couch. He covered me with a blanket, so gently, and went to bed. In the morning I got up, read his to-do list in the kitchen and didn't say goodbye.

Some night, not long after, we stumbled out of another watering hole and into the cold. A long wool jacket night. On these concrete steps, he finally leaned down and lifted my face and kissed me, in the frozen air darkness. It was my finest first kiss, the kind of moment now more recognizable as a harbinger of ending rather than the start of something beautiful. We went back to his apartment again. This time he grazed my shoulders and the curve of my hip with his fingers as we kissed. We fell asleep on the floor in a mostly dressed state, listening to Buddy Guy. I left in the morning and didn't say goodbye.

At my birthday party he had a huge assignment due and came out anyways. Almost finals, frost had turned to full blown winter. This time we wound up at my door and fate locked me out. We fell asleep on a friend's couch, waiting until morning to get keys. That morning, he left, and that was the end; he came to know things I didn't or maybe had known them all the while. A little over a month later, his long distance girlfriend moved to our city and into his apartment. She always knew. I passed her walking once. Even though she was powerful and beautiful in her own right, she looked and then something folded. Her neck bowed and her face crumpled, just a little. It surprised me. I thought she would lash out, but instead of punishing me I was left inflicting something on her. For all the almost moments with him, I'm not sure they were worth that real moment with her.

We did the right thing and didn't talk anymore. I fell into a destructive relationship all my own within a short time, he fell into fidelity. Once in awhile there would be a moment between us, but instead of a spark it was more nodding recognition to a strange time in our lives.

Tonight I sat with the beautiful girl I envied wearing her designer jeans. We are the same size, long thin legs. The world traveler jokes he'd like to see both of us swap all of our clothes. Then, he tells me in passing and without realizing that I knew him as well as I did, that C. failed. He didn't graduate, something went wrong. No one fails, it makes no sense, and I knew C. well enough to know he's highly intelligent but has crippling anxiety that must have gotten worse to the point of blowing exams the last couple of years. The beautiful girl rolls her eyes, I say nothing but picture him, on those stairs, three years ago.