never not alone when it rains

The storm makes the evening prematurely dark and rages for five hours. I sleep through the lightening snaps, but hear the power flicker on and off. I've been so tired.

Everything I want to write on here lately is about how much I hate this city, living here, and what a waste of life it is to spend a year somewhere so pointless. As much as reflecting on that is, um, deeply satisfying, it's boring. Even for me, in my head. So I highlight/delete. Maybe unable or unwilling to express the real problem. Maybe turning boring, a la turning japanese (I really think so).

These days my body has a kinesthetic heaviness, a muscular tension. I feel it when I walk. I've had different bodies this year, coming into a (mid) twenties latent athleticism, mostly accidental. If things were different I could have missed out on how it feels to be strong. These muscles and tendons walk me through the door with a tall gait even when I'm not feeling tall or powerful, I get it now.

Pictures of people I graduated with now are bizarre. Usually, they're at weddings. I wonder how we look to each other. In the movie Indian Summer, there's a character named Jack who got "kicked out of camp." I think I'm perpetually a Jack, slipping out the back with unexplained reasons in a way that makes returning strange. It took me until the last year to realize that most people view sudden departures as absconding. I don't maintain peripheral relationships, but that's not the same thing as active rejection, it just reads like it. It's partially gender bias, women are expected to consume themselves with banal interpersonal conversation, "how are you!?!?!"

That I left in the morning while you slept isn't avoiding breakfast with you, it's that I have somewhere to be.