III

Sometimes we all get scared.

KH made a list of things in the world. Yep. I'm afraid of the governments of China and America, and of religious extremism of all kinds. I'm afraid of environmental consequences neither you nor I nor Nobel Gore understand yet. I feel guilty knowing that the things I am afraid of are far less real than what most of the world has to be afraid of and I worry how my complacency contributes, but worry more that anything I do is contributing more in ways I don't understand.

I worry about what work to do in the world. About being angry all the time and accomplishing nothing. When I was fifteen I wanted to paint the words of Dylan Thomas on my wall, never believing in change all the same, but sure that working towards something you didn't believe was possible was better than aimless motion. I'm scared of the range of choices, no matter how good they are, of making the wrong one. I worry about wasting what has been given to me, whatever it is, and once in awhile about letting people down who are aware of what has been given, of living my life in perpetual awareness of inaction, yet at the same time of acting and finding out too late it was in futility.

The idea of letting a lot of people down who've given me a shot is paralyzing.

I worry about not being able to have functional relationships, less about being alone than about deluding myself into being together. Tonight I had a weird moment with RBH, who is under crazy stress an entitled to weird moments, and I got out of the car feeling like "I CANNOT DO THIS." Not in relation to him, but that I don't have the personal capacity to do it. He sends me a message half an hour later.

Ironically, I worry about being so self involved that I miss the world go by.

Yes.

*For the record, in the end, if there's an end, skip the psalms and read aloud And Death Shall Have No Dominion.