Sometimes I get this claustrophobic feeling, that I think I've always felt but only recognize due to having an absence of it for awhile. It is the fear that something. Is. Really. Wrong. And out of my control. I don't know where it comes from, exactly, but it manifests in tiny compulsions and obsessions and the kind of behaviors people do when they have control issues.
[Mine shows up in things like obsessive researching]
Conflict behaviors result directly from internal discomfort, which most of the time has nothing to do with a specific situation where conflict is arising, but is transferred energy.
This became so incredibly apparent to me when I was living in a place with very little conflict despite close quarters and extensive human dynamics, and where I didn't have any feeling of loss of control. It also gave me a handle on why I produce negative emotions and what I should do to handle them. Even though I've known the above for a long time, it radically altered my life to see it so clearly laid out.
So now, I sit and think about why I'm doing and feeling the way I am, what unproductive means more than how it is inherently disturbing.
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Rolling List of Things I am Unwilling to Give Up.
(1) shopping for and cooking food
(2) reading books and weekend newspapers
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